Lake Wallenpaupack in Pennsylvania is one of the area’s prized secrets. It’s home to many trophy-sized fish and is surrounded by beautiful views and scenery. It’s an anglers dream to have a chance to fish the Lake. This post is intended to bring a little light and humor to going out on a Guided Fishing Trip at Lake Wallenpaupack. We hope you enjoy!
Let’s get started: #50
Your guide needs to stop during your fishing trip to use the porta-potty. And you already know they are out of toilet paper. Yet, he goes and returns – not a comment. Afterwards, you notice he is no longer wearing socks!
#49
You realize that the boat doesn’t have enough fuel before the guide starts, and you have to stop during your trip to get gas. And your guide forgot his wallet in the truck. #Ouch!
#48
There is an awful smell coming from the live wells and you open it up to check. Lo and behold, there’s a dead opossum in the well.
#47
You booked a live bait trip, and unbeknownst to you, your guide is only set up to fish with artificials.
#46
The well pump is continuously running and running and running. When you mention it to the guide, they say they may have forgotten the plug. They check, and the plug is in the live well drain. You better hope he has his life jackets!
#45
A tire blowout on the way to the lake causes your guide to be late. Instead of extending your trip, they explain that they have dinner plans and cut you a break on the rate by $5.00 dollars.
#44
A bear is swimming across the lake and your guide suggests you go over and see if you can help it get across. They ask if you want to take a selfie as you approach. What could go wrong?
#43
3” of ice is enough to be over 60 feet of water. Your guide tells you “Go on ahead; I’ll be right behind you”. That’s a hard pass from me!
#42
You notice a box labeled “explosives” on the boat and ask your guide about it. The response you receive goes something like this, “It’s for when the fish aren’t biting.”
#41
The guide has their boat docked waiting for you to arrive. You notice a Pitbull foaming at the mouth sitting on that same boat.
#40
Seven state police cars have arrived at the boat launch, ordering a person off their boat with their hands up. You receive a text message asking you to hurry up as there is a situation materializing at the launch. In that same text thread, you are asked to bring bolt cutters, a hunting rifle, and a survival bag.
#39
Your guide has an eye patch, a funny accent, and a cool pirate hat. Once on board the boat, he says, “We are going to board a few other boats while we’re out as I’m running low on gear.”
#38
It’s a bit choppy out given heavy winds, and you’re feeling a bit nauseous. Your guide says he’s got a cure and begins to drive super fast and jump the oncoming waves. You proceed to vomit out the side of the boat. When your ride is over, he hands you a bucket, rag, and soap ordering you to clean up the boat.
#37
Your guide says, “Want to see something funny?” and pulls out a handgun, firing it indiscriminately into the water. You ask to return to your vehicle, and he simply laughs.
#36
The motor begins to sputter, stalls out, and your guide can’t get it started. Out come the oars, and you are asked to paddle back to the dock against a stiff headwind.
#35
The Stripers are biting, and your guide tells you that you’re targeting perch and crappie….
#34
To make matters worse, the rods are set up for Stripers and Walleye. The entire time you are forced to fish for perch and crappie; your guide is showing you pictures of all the Stripers they caught the evening before. You are definitely confused.
#33
You are attempting to net a big fish that your guide caught. You fall into the water, and he’s so upset he asks you if you are a good swimmer, steps on your fingers as you attempt to climb back into the boat, throws you a vest, and leaves.
#32
The guide is staring at your wife, who’s decided to join you on this trip. He seems to have taken a keen interest in her, openly flirting, and you overhear him asking for her phone number. Do you really want to ask for a refund?
#31
“Super helpful” is how your guide is described in many reviews. You are out, and they provide the same instructions five times throughout the first hour. For whatever reason, you don’t listen, and the frustration sets in as you aren’t catching any fish. The guide stops talking to you altogether for the remaining three hours of your trip. Complete silence.
#30
You’ve been asked to hold the boat at the dock. The guide heads up to get his truck and trailer. It’s going on 20 minutes, and you are starting to get frustrated. In comes an ambulance with lights and sirens blaring. Before you can find out what happened, it’s heading out of the parking lot. Your guide never returns. What to do?
Or perhaps you are now the proud owner of a new fishing boat!
#29
The guide you are with wants to go out even later than normal. Says the bite is late into the evening, early morning. You are now out at 2am, and been having an amazing trip when all of sudden your guide starts pulling out packages with weights tied to them. He starts dropping them in the water throughout the remainder of your trip. You ask about it, and he suggests it’s bait for the small fish, which attracts the big fish. Please don’t say anything, he asks. The next week you read in the paper that the guide’s wife has been missing for a week!
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t see anything!
#28
Both you and the guide are aggressively casting. It’s dark and tight quarters on the boat. You catch a 5-1/2 inch stick bait with triple trebles in the ear. The guide tells you to stop being a baby, then clips the barbs and pulls out the lure from your head.
#27
Another guide pulls up alongside you while you’re fishing. Your guide cordially greets the other guide, and that’s when things turn ugly. The guide that pulls up says that you are fishing in his spot and asks you to leave immediately. You don’t like confrontation, so you ask your guide to move. At the next spot, the same thing happens again, and again, and again.
#26
PA Fish & Game arrive on scene, asking your guide for his license, ID, and proof of insurance. Your guide yells out, “I won’t be taken alive” and begins firing upon the officers as he’s driving away….
Halfway there: #25
During a day trip with a guide you’ve never fished with before, you hook into a big one. The guide runs over and rips the rod out of your hand and proceeds to reel in your catch. Turns out, it’s a state record, and he gets the credit.
#24
It’s deer season, and you are out fishing during the early morning hours with a guide you’ve fished with a few times. You know he’s a little crazy, but he puts you on the fish. You pull into a cove at 6:10 am, and there is a 12-point buck. He opens up the rod holder and pulls out a hunting rifle and shoots across the cove, dropping the buck where it stood. He then asks you to load the deer onto the boat and covers it with a tarp. You continue to fish the rest of the trip. Weeks later, he sends you a package of deer sausage!
#23
During a guided trip on Lake Wallenpaupack, your guide begins to suit up with scuba gear, tells you not to worry. You begin to see the boats on the dock start to sink, including Fish and Game. This happens at several locations during your trip; each time the guide comes back to the boat, he says under his breath, job well done! On the Wally BITES Facebook group, you learn that several competitor guide boats and Fish & Game boats have been sunk.
#22
Ice fishing is solid this season; your guide has a hut, warmth, and a few holes already drilled. Your guide spends the entire time reading word for word, stories from the past 10 years of all the people that fell in but that were saved by the Tafton Dive Team. It’s a little unsettling, but kind of like ghost stories by the firepit.
#21
We’ve all seen road flares along the highway; during a really dry spell around the lake, your guide pulls out a flare gun and says he’s a bit of a pyromaniac. Shuman Point lights up before you can even say “Noooooooooo”. He laughs a mischievous laugh, then aims the flare gun at you before he says, just kidding.
#20
During your night trip with a well-respected guide on Lake Wallenpaupack, your guide places a flashlight under his chin every time he talks to you. It’s kinda weird, especially given that he talks like Dracula the entire time.
#19
Sex isn’t something that guides often talk about during a guided trip, but today, your guide has a new girlfriend, and he keeps asking you about all the kinky stuff you’ve done in your life. Um…. can’t we just focus on fishing?
#18
Electronics are a huge part of fishing now; your guide says he’s working on a new type of technology. He drops a microphone down in the water and starts saying, “Here fishy, fishy. Come on, fishy, fishy.” At what point do you say something?
#17
A chance of hail is called for during an upcoming trip you’ve booked. It’s the only time you can get out, and the guide says it’ll be fine. Well, the hail rains down on you, golf ball-sized hail too boot. You guys are 15 minutes from the launch; your guide pulls out a massive umbrella, and when you try to get under it with him, he pushes you away.
#16
It’s a tough bite, your guide keeps making excuses. Four hours pass, and you haven’t caught one fish between the both of you. He says, “It’s time to head in,” and upon hitting the dock, he says, “Tips are greatly appreciated,” on top of stating what your full-priced trip cost you.
#15
The Local Fish & Game have another boat pulled over; your guide looks at you with a twinkle in his eye and says, “Watch this.” He goes over to the offending party, along with the authorities, turns the motor towards them, trims up, and throttles up hard, spraying everyone in the vicinity, then attempts to outrun them.
#14
You are approaching legal limits, and your guide looks at you and says, “Hey, if we get caught, we’ll split the difference and each pay a portion of the fine…that okay…”
#13
The guide you booked pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles to pee…
#12
You’ve been getting a funny vibe from your guide the entire time you’ve been out. At the end of the trip, he pulls out a big buck knife, cuts the palm of his hand, and reaches out to you while saying, “Blood Brothers Forever.”
#11
You’ve been having a pleasant day, that is, until you got out on the boat with your guide. You aren’t out for more than 5 minutes, and your guide is either crazy or a prankster, either way, he’s been playing chicken with the first 10 boats he comes across. The eleventh one has a bigger boat!
Nearing the end: #10
You lose a rig in the trees; the guide pulls out a calculator but doesn’t say anything. You break off on a big ole striper; there goes another stick bait, he pulls out his calculator. At the end of your trip, he says, “2 lures, line, and extra time to retie everything, $19.34.”
#9
Something is off with your guide; he seems on edge. At your first stop, he pulls out a syringe and injects himself with something in his buttocks and yells out, “I’m the Hulk.” He charges at you with rage in his eyes, and you get into a fistfight only because you thought you might die otherwise.
#8
This is your first channel catfish guided trip on the lake. For bait, your guide is placing what appears to be human toes on your line. You ask, and in return, you are told those are pig feet. You should be afraid, very afraid.
#7
Your guide is radioing with someone on the other end of his marine wave radio. They are clearly making plans for something, but you’re not quite sure as you are busy attempting to follow instructions, to catch a few fish. Then, you hear the guide describing someone, that someone sounds an awful lot like you…
#6
On a clear morning, as clear and beautiful as you can remember, you feel like you’ve hit the lottery today as you’ve booked a guided trip. During your ride down to Ledgedale, you hit speeds of about 50 mph, it’s warm, and as you look over to see a soaring eagle near Lighthouse Marina, you hear a noise. You turn, only to realize that your going 50mph and your guide is gone.
#5
Lightning is literally striking everywhere around the lake; I mean, it’s bad. You are scared, very scared, and your guide says, “Hey buddy…we doing this or what?”
#4
It’s an epic day; you are surrounded by what seems like schools and schools of trophy fish. Every time you land one, your guide says, “Nope, not that one.” You don’t really mind it all that much as you are having the day of your life. Then, during this one particular catch, like your 12th walleye, he jumps on it and starts chewing out the eyes while it’s still alive. He mumbles just enough to ask you, if you want one.
#3
Never having been on a guided trip before, especially one with the guides on Lake Wallenpaupack, you decided to do a little research. You read the reviews, see the pictures, and as far as you know, everything looks in order. Your brother-in-law is a detective with NYPD, and you share the name of the guide with him during a casual conversation, not thinking much of it. A few days go by, and it’s your day to hit the lake. You get to the boat launch, see the guide, and jump on his boat. Your cell rings; it’s your brother-in-law. He says, “That guide you are going out with, he’s on the FBI’s most wanted list for murder.” That’s right around the time you roll into that dead cell spot in Martin’s Cove.
#2
During your trip, your guide asks you if you want to go party at Cove Haven.
And lastly, #1
You get out to the first stop on what you are hoping is an amazing guided fishing trip, and your guide unlocks the rod holder. You expect to see a few St. Croix rods and a Penn reel setups, only to learn that every setup is a Snoopy rod.
If you’ve made it this far, please remember that this is all in good fun, tongue and cheek. You should try one of the amazing Fishing Guides at Lake Wallenpaupack. Although, if any of the things above ever come true, we take zero responsibility!!! Tight lines!